i'm sorry i put myself through this

when it looks like it may rain, i like to leave my windows down as long as possible because it feels like im gambling with God.


looking for a girl who prefers the windows down as opposed to the air conditioner
who likes to walk barefoot in the grass over shoes on pavement
who knows herself well enough to describe herself
who doesn't mind rain...at all
who can be in a room full of people, and still hold something back
who isnt afraid of being really loud...at just the right times
who knows what she likes, and can tell you without embarrassment




remember when you used to feed me cookies from jj's on your apartment floor?
or the time i hitched a ride with my neighbors during that snow storm to see you because my parents wouldnt let me drive alone....just to drink and have sex with you for 2 hours and ride home?
because i dont want to anymore
its's too hard and it's not worth it
i dont want to remember how your hair smelled when you got out of the shower the first time i came to visit you at college (when i emailed you from your own computer that night while i was alone saying how beautiful you looked comming out of the door with wet hair)...you were so pretty then
i dont want to know how you looked everytime i said something "out of line"
and i dont want to wonder if i still made " the face" would you get scared?
i dont want to think about how much i wanted to make you feel better everytime you came to me to cry about your life
i dont want to think about you anymore, and be sad, because i know you don't.
it's too hard and it's not worth it
maybe it's only so hard because of the huge lifestyle change that takes place when you end everything with someone that was everything for a large amount of time
maybe its just the loss of comfort
or maybe its the fact that you actually love the person and the feeling inside is actually a feeling that only comes from a real live broken heart
or maybe it's only hard because you're questioning yourself which one it really is...and then that makes you angry, because you think if its just because of the loss of comfort, the last year meant absolutely nothing to you and it cheapens everything you ever thought was amazing.
i want to know
and i want the hard part to be over

there are only two people that make me feel alot better about myself, and my time
one of them is away right now and i can't get to her
the other is the best friend (although now she's being ignored a bit) of the source of the problem
so tonight, im at a loss
im back to where i started i feel
but im still not breaking the wall i built on friday
sometime this will pass, it has to
would it help if i stopped writing about it?

and still i think how:
i always wanted to completely surprise you by coming down...but i never did
i always wanted to send you a care package for no reason...but i never did
i always wanted to give you a huge amount of pictures from things i wanted you to be there for during my senior year with a sign saying "i miss you"...but i never did